Whats been going on and whats really going on
(sorry if i get too heated and don't make sense)
I missed posting on here honestly and a diary is simple but with my bad memory i forgot where i put the thing. I'm really on here now as a stress relief. "why?" you might be asking, well my "bf, husband, lover" (we gonna call him T) whatever is causing it. This year I've struggled with life and death for the second time in my life as i struggle to figure out if i even have a chance in a future. Its really stressful since I don't believe i'm good at anything but geeky trivia and i don't think ill be on that "king of the nerds" show anytime soon.My situation began with- Not knowing how i would survive financially as well as provide for kids if i decided if i wanted any, and what i really wanted to do with my life if i really decided my quality of life would be better if i finally got my sex change.
All of these thoughts pummeled on me as well as "T" messing with me about our future together and how he will handle everything and so and so forth basic "you stay home and watch kids i'm breadwinner shit." I, at times, am fine with that life but at other times I'm all "i can work too" cause I've decided i'm just a crazy bipolar bitch. These racing thoughts on top of the side of me that wants to be a guy is literally stressful. I am too nice and concerned for others that I change my judgement and even put myself last to please them to the fullest first.
My situation going on- I broke up with him and cried all day instead of enjoying my time to better figure myself out and got back with him.... like i was pissed with myself the next morning! I broke up with him and got back with him in 5 hours!! WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!?! I spent time looking at pics of us and thought i was in the wrong. *sigh continuing on. Now i don't message him at all and am distant and slightly rude to get him to dump me, cause id rather be dumped than be the one who did the deciding, and he continues to either guilt trip me about "us" or say that he knows me.... IDONTEVENKNOWME!!! and i try to not sound pissed when i text him these things and hints that i want to be left be, but he takes it personal and i get more mad about it cause its not about you this time cause I don't even live i the same city and you work so why should it matter how i feel? Go be busy, but no, "T" stresses out and is basically making himself sick over me. I have ever felt love till I was with him but I cant follow my heart on how happy I am with him if he cant let me be when I'm depressed. I may have let you help when we was in college together but that was cause you wouldn't let it go and you got sick cause of me....
I really can't take this situation, and there's even more that I cant say cause this is too stressful, all I can say for sure is that "T" is stressing me out and for my survival I have to choose soon. Military or him and i might just go with what will get me more money, because I need to survive. Sides he said he wasn't about the military life and that he would leave if i came back a man. lol I might as well go... too crazy to get love anyway especially when he was basically first everything, I never got to enjoy the fun of being single and not afraid to have "fun" sooo I need to be along ,Not to be a Hoe but to be a basic girl in 2016.
Once again sorry if things got confusing but i needed it off my chest and I hope things go back to simple like they were in sophomore year of high school and Anime was my only lover, bf, husband and stressed me out only cause I'd be behind on the new seasonal anime.
