Dating is difficult / Time left

So i am now in relationship with a guy in my graduating class now, but its terrible cause in previous relationships i just chill and dont do much talking either. But now when i see him in the hall or hang out with him hes all like "Thats it?" or "I dont get a hi or a hug?" So I dont kno what to say mostly. Texting is another thing cause i will text for hours but i can form a simple sentence or conversation.

Also the next few months are going to be devastating if i can get my work together, i have to do a research paper and a presidential profile before the end of this school year. Which was brought to my attention to being 40-something days. I cant believe it either, I have to work extra hard to finish all the assignments for AP English as well to just barely pass the class.

Valentines Day

 The past few weeks i havent been able to type since my computer was being weird and i couldnt see the screen. And i have been without it i was only youtubing and tumblring from my Droid.
Also since today is valentines day and since i have no valentines im just gonna spend the rest of the day playing just dance 4 and eating ice cream XD. Im also gonna buy some games and stuff since i gots nothing better to do.

Febuary Sucks

This week sucks cause i got a paper to write and a girl in my class volunteered to be my peer editing partner and she gets really bitchy when i dont do the work so it makes me wonder why she does that when she knows im not as smart as every exaggerates. Also going thru this month before was easy but now all my friends got relationships and are rubbing it in my face..it sucks.Valentines Day will come up and ive lost my mega sweet, not like it fell out but i cant stand super sweet things anymore, but ill be damned if itll stop me from gorging on chocolates and ice cream. I usually get a box of chocolate and a rose from my grandfather and a hug from all my friends. This year feels like im gonna spend the day complaining bitterly with my grandma and goin out to get 2 tubs of sherbert and watchin disney movies. Sad how my life has messed me up so much. Not only has things been messed up while trying to get aa friend of mine to set me up with his friend i find out that he isnt single, and my friend figures that the boys brother is good enough...i wanted to hit him in the head. Though at this point i feel like i should stop trying, cause its pointless now and ill just make myself upset.
On another point i went to a Japanese language meeting at B&N Saturday.When we first got there we walked right past the group in the cafe and wandered to the manga and then to customer service. Due to how i get shy around new people i was speaking super quiet and nervous. And one dude there thought my sister was my daughter and i was like whoa, no. But It was fun,and i hope to increase my learning. As the meeting was ending the guys there felt as though i was familiar in some way or went to their school but they were all college students and stuff. (Hehe im mature lookin XD)Then my mom was really upset cause when it was time to pick us up she called and my phone was on vibrate and she got really upset due to a mall cop comin over sayin that she was in the way. But since we goin to the meeting again in 2weeks ill have everything thought out better.
Anywho, i hope the month goes by fast.

Worst Weekend

So i was told all thursday we have friday and monday off school and i was happy and ready to have fun and get some work done. Sadly, when i woke up at 5 am i was greeted by the grim reaper and the horrible god called mother nature. I spent all morning in pain and praying that i wouldnt die like Elvis Presley. Thank god for my grandma since my mom was useless for the beginning of the situation. I spent the whole day dry heaving and then eating small portions of food when i wanted to pig out. But after ridiculous amounts of pain killers and sleep i finally stopped feeling like i was dying. Spent my time texting friends since i couldnt sleep again and was bored till 3am.
Then today things was goin good, and i had began the work i was going to do yesterday along with some cleaning, then when i went for a tea break in the kitchen. I grabbed my usual mug, washed it, and while drying it..it slipped out my hand bounced off the stool and landed on the floor. I was still processing what happened and tried not to cry, i even knew what was gonna happen when i saw it bounce off the stool. Yet i cried anyway. I slowly walked to clean up the pieces of my mug and my mom started consoling me cause she knew i loved that mug. I dont know if my mom knows truly why i love that mug so much, but i love it cause i got it on a trip to the aquarium with my stepfather. Its not like he is dead or anything but i value him alot and we dont hang but im very sentimental about things im given. So after we got the mug on the table she said we could probably fix it with super glue or something since it broke into large pieces. I'd like to think of that possibility of having my mug back but it wont be the same. Truthfully i feel as though i might lose the memory of that day since i wont be able to use that mug now..But i still have teddy bears and other memories from the 10yrs of having him around. Hopefully the rest of this weekend will go smoother than it has so far.

What the hell

Finals are done and classes are setting to 2nd semester. My mom has decided that if i pass the 11th grade i get my jeep and get to try band next yr but if not then i wait another yr without a job and i go to summer school. Not only are classes changing but soon all my senior friends and my school brother will be gone onto their own lives. Many are friendships that arent functional by internet, some are filled with uncertainty of what the future holds for said friendship. I plan to work hard even though im the only one out of my friends who have a future goal that they can accomplish and have set. Working toward a job/career is one thing i cant manage cause the goals that are set feel unreachable because i procrastinate too much and slide through life. I live like a hard worker but dream as a slacker who parties their life and future away. Yesterday morning i saw some guys on my bus smoking and laughing like they dont care if they get caught, through the course of the day i saw multiple couples acting as if nobody was around them and though it made me sick it made me realize some stupid crap that makes me think of how one day i could die suddenly and have lived my life being walked over and by teenager terms a "lame" or not really living life to the fullest..not saying that i wanna do some stupid stuff while yelling "YOLO" or something stupid but just enjoy life more than wasting it tolerating people i hate or being a doormat for other people who live life rather than study but can ace a test without doing any work while i work my ass off......Sorry i got abit upset there but, still something id like to do this year is to better my attitude and speak up for myself.

NEWW

I FINALLY GOT ALICE IN MADNESS!!!!! ive waited so long to get it. Its been fun playing it but the riddles or just the wonderland speak gets to me and my mind is stuck for awhile. I also got a text from a friend about goin to her place for a sleepover, but my momma sick and she need my assistance. This morning on my web checks for games and updates on manga i found this http://www.rinmarugames.com/playgame.php?gameid=307  XD its so cute!! im goin to make so many different scenarios with this, hopefully to inspire my inner artist.

Strange

Im just feeling some type of way today. I was tired this morning but pretty normal like i usually am, yet as i road on the bus home i was pumped and happy. But when i started enjoying some more of G-Dragon's songs i find =>
when  i watched it i was like wait a minute how is it so somber but its got a bleep. As i searched the english translation, it was very sad to me. She was so hopelessly blind in love and didnt notice the things going on,and i began thinking....id like to be blind in love too. I havent ever thought of love as a useful thing but it would be nice, right? i mean now-a-days its not all about procreation and stuff, its got love involved. Sometimes it doesnt workout but it still happened and you have happy memories and the experience. I'd like to be able to have that, even if im hurt terribly it would be nice. Im a little down in the love songs now, even though ive only had slight experiences of crushes  and no ability to fully express emotion without thinking of the consequence of being mocked, id love to express my love to someone but in the moment where i actually have the chance i wont open my mouth so it can be heard. I almost pray i get the courage to voice my emotion when it truly counts and im with my soulmate so i dont lose my one chance.

New Years of 2013

Year of 2013 is starting at midnight, though i doubt ill be able to stay up until then. if anything i just dont want to especially not for another year of disappointments. But ill be positive, Hyadain is an awsome group and ive been listening to them since 7pm along with a few ke$ha songs. Its been a habit to drink sparkling wine(grape juice) every new years and hang together, but since my mom left early this morning to spend new years out of town there is no one i can hang with and annoy or at least keeps me awake till midnight. Yet the song im listening to is making me tired rather than pumped like it usually does. ONE OK ROCK is an amazing group, yet i love their song "kazen kankaku dreamer" way more than any other song.
As for New Years resolutions i just want to be able to sleep properly and hopefully fix the anemia issue cause it pisses me off. I want to get a job and try to be a more confident me rather than being confident near friends and clam up near people who think im this awsome person. I wanna stop pitying myself, and once again i start the year with All Time Low's Weightless. Keeps me thinking of how the new year could get better. It usually does when i listen to it, this year was pretty good..didnt have all my friends with me but it was better than i thought. So Hope you all have a great year.

Final note: This is the year of the snake and my sis is gloating like crazy, tho 2019 will be my year so long time to wait...hmm lots of time for shenanigans and yaoi X3

New years is comin'

OK, so new years is almost here and since my school wants to start up again on Jan.2 rather than giving us the rest of the week off, i still havent finish my AP US History project. and i think im at the point where i could give 2 B.S about what grade i get, and im accepting the fact that is i continue ill be attending summer school. I dont even mind anymore im too tired to do the work when i wake up.

Aside from that nonsense i got Oblivion Island: Haruka and the Magic Mirror yesterday and when i watched it i was so happy and i felt childlike again X3 yet my sister was so into this "new years party" she was having with her minecraft pals that she didnt want to watch it. Also in that same day i was messin with some pals about what character they should spend their time playin on street fighter 4 and so many of them have ps3, and im sitting here with my xbox360 and nobody to challenge but badmouthing children who cry to their mom about how they want their milk and soda. Then i get an add from some dude who is gaming friends with abunch of my other dude friends and he asks me all these questions about games and things i like, and like some achievement he types we have something in common. And the instant he types that, im like "oh, shoot he gonna talk bout some we should be together mess." I wanna kno why dudes like trying to get relationships with ppl from far away online or stupid crap like that. I mean he likes gamer girls and he doesnt see many of them but i figure if you can find a girl you kno and she is willing to learn how to play you can get a world filled with gamer girls. But im just confused on how a guy and find one thing about you that they like then work on understanding that and can forget the other crazy shit your into. Yet idont care cause i dont date people, cause my brain goes to poop when im in class.

Finally as for year 2013, i hope that itll be good and there wont be many issues with things. Hopefully i can be serious with people and not take any crap from people like ive been doing. so New Leaf is whaat im hoping for this year.

Christmas time!!

So this morning i wanted to wake up at 6AM like i do every Christmas, but i was so tired from stayin up playing Street fighter 4 on Xbox live. So i woke up at 8 i believe to open a box from my aunt with a harajuku purse, a $20 gift card for Barnes & nobles and a harajuku mini hairband and hair clips, then i opened an envelope that had 50 1dollar bills,crisp they were so wonderful i sat there to process that it was real. It was awsome! This Christmas there wasnt much decorating done or presents but i can shop for my own stuff or atleast save my money for later. Ive also been trying to figure out what to do with the day since i didnt get to buy any video games so i played boogie superstar but it wasnt as fun since i lost the microphone and can sing to it. Sat and listened to Relient K and Glee christmas songs, then bugged my sis and her minecraft buddies. Aside from that we had ham and called family to wish them a merry christmas and so on and so forth

..thoughts

this morning i awake tired due to waking at 12 and falling asleep right when my alarm goes off. when i nap for a few more moments i awake to my mother. Minutes later i get up to prepare for school and after standing in my bathroom confused on why havent i killed myself yet, i realize it is due to fear. the lies i tell and the false impressions i leave on people as if i care of their issues. the people who complain to me everyday the same people who wont stop who act as tho their problems are larger than others or that it is something that they cant control when they have the resources to stop it. i believe those people that person in general is weak and is looking for attention. I havent told anyone my small issues because i can control them, because i will remain strong. To want to tell someone im going to kill myself and care of that is ridiculous. Obviously i conform to the way things are is due to staying alive and surviving. In my life i learn and do as told, i follow what is needed to be done because i need order, it is what seems mandatory. To be loud and obnoxious and disrespectful seems to be the things that i hate yet people who hold these traits flock to me, just because i may allow one small outburst at a certain time, or im in the same area as that person and they feel that im someone that may help them when im not. I hate how things are, but a friend of mine told me yesturday that he sees 3 different risa's in the day. the silent/thinking/emo risa in the morning, the random man-fun risa in the afternoon, and the innocent girl risa on our skype talks. I dont know who the REAL Risa is, but if anything i think she died long ago. The latest news on tv now is of a shooting in an elementary school, i dont really care for pandemics i might get worried or concerned abit , but after awhile i dont want to hear more of it. So if you dont like how it sounds, well i guess i just dont care what people think anymore.

Conference/Christmas

In my personal finance class lazing about since ive got a good grade and am caught up with all assignments so i felt like i should do somethin, since tumblr is blocked on these computers ill type on here. So the other day i had a conference with my mom ,counselor , and ap english teacher. We decussed the grade i currently have and things that i need to do in order to understand things better. As for them asking me things i gave up and did not attempt to say anything because i clam up. So i am now going to stay after school every wednsday for tutorials. So that sucks, cause when i stay for it she yells and it gives me a headache. On another note i am making totoro plushies for christmas, and am hoping they turn out better. The first one i made last night was goin well untill i realized i forgot to leave 1/4 space for the sewing and my granma began to take over so im going to make another after i finish with the terrible one i have waiting on me at home.

 

http://cheekandstitch.com/diy-totoro-plush-tutorial/

-/_\-

Over the thanksgiving break i had several assignments from 2 classes. Thank goodness that my chemistry teacher is nice, he gave us till tomorrow to turn in 2 out of 6 mid-term review papers. Though my AP English teacher is giving us no leeway and says we needed to turn in a reading journal of Kate Chopin's short stories and a personal narrative. I was able to finish 2 out of 3 stories last night i was so tired i couldnt stand it. Now that i turned in the paper and am home, i feel sad and frustrated cause everyday we have her class she constantly snaps at us or complains about how we have to hurry cause school programs are interfering with her lesson. Its like every time i have her class i feel depressed as to how i cant handle her and if i have a professor like her in college i might just hide. *sigh* also over the break i guess i touched some leaves of some sort(doubt it tho) and now i have some bumps on my elbow that itch like crazy, and there is nothing on the back of my leg but its turned red from me scratching it too much. Even now my arm is hurting from how im scratching it, but anti-itch cream only stops it for awhile.
As for now i feel tired and like im being weighed down by a ton of bricks. Im not as happy as i was during 2nd period and im just daydreaming and listening to Behind blue eyes by limp bizkit and the one that got away by katy perry. soon imma get back to my normal ,smiling ,yaoi-enjoying, and singing quietly self but till then im goin to sit in this unreasonable sorrow watchin yaoi moments :3

Meh/Holidays/Black Ops II

Over the past few weeks ive been unsure of some stuff. Ive been re-evaluating my friendships with some guy friends of mine and im not sure if its admiration or actual feelings for some of them. But since im the quiet type ill remain as such and not say anything. Sadly thats what i feel will keep me from having anymore awkward relationships with guy friends. Yesterday my mom, my sis, my dog and me all went out to petsmart and joanns. We spent most of the day in Joanns getting things for my sis to sew with cause now she has found a "thing." So i spent the afternoon trying to figure out what hobby or talent i have cause i cant think of anything that im special at. Also since its almost Thanksgiving, my aunt and cousin are coming over on Wednesday. Hopefully we have alot of fun and i dont get sucked into shopping this time.

BLACK OPS II IS OUT AND I WANT IT SO BAD, BUT I HAVE NO MONEY SO I CANT GET IT!!!!! I NEED A JOB TO SUPPLY MY GAMING NEEDS!

Classes,songs & today

So yesterday i had my mom come with me to the parent teacher conference and im passing all my classes except my AP English. I enjoy being a big fish in a small pond, but my mom says im smart and should break out my shell and how  i gotta atleast try to pass the class. Song related i have been listening to cute songs and hanging with my friend Misha and she made a video of her and her bf and its so cute cause her art is adorable. I told her how her feelings are adorable and stuff. Yet after awhile i started to listen to some cute music again and i suddenly felt down, like i started to feel sad that im single again and i have yet to find a guy who likes me. I dont really care bout finding one now, but i worry that i wont find one ever. Having guy friends sorta lowers my ability on telling guys my feelings cause i hate seeming girly or anything. But when a friend of mine started flat ironing her hair in class at 4th period today she did my hair and a guy friend of hers was like "Now see, if you just keep your hair out that nasty ponytail you'd be good." and the convo went on about how me fixing my looks would help. Yet the thing with me getting all dressed up and looking nice makes me feel like im trying to stand out so id rather not. And my guy friends would be all surprised and crack jokes bout how i should always dress that way. No thanks, i think ill just stay in my shell awhile longer.

Halloween fun/ptc

So tommarow is halloween my favorite holida of the month and im so happy! Im goin to the hanted trail with my mom but before that i gotta have her come to the parent teacher conference. I gotta get her to talk to my teachers for AP class about how things goin, to hopefully get me out the class. Aside from that its boredom.

October activities

So ive been doing good so far in school, i stopped freakin over my classes. I even went to the school counselor and took a PSAT/ACT. I am also almost done with my drivers ed class. Now that everything is up-to-date. It is October and in my house it is Birthday Month. there is a total of 4 birthdays in my household, and the 4th(mine) will be coming up on Friday. I will be 17 and one step closer to being an adult and struggling to live on my own. Not only that but there has been 4 other friends bdays this month, 1 i bought more cake for and the other 2 will be the day before mine and the last one on my bday. There is nothing but cakes in my fridge but i hope to got to the zombie walk goin on my day but itll be late and my mom might not let me go. Also i hope to got to the haunted trail if i cant go to the zombie walk. Things goin well and i cant wait till i get my update on my phone. Hopefully i write again on the 26th, if not then in November.

Earlier this week i was feelin crappy and down

"make it stop" is what i called this little spill and posted it on facebook..luckly ppl i have on there dont read the stuff i post so they dont know the almost sucidal moment i had

If you have told me about a sad moment in your life or had me as someone to talk to when you felt you couldnt tell anyone else, then ill forever hold your secret words. But i wont take anymore of them, my mind is full and my soul is in pain. Worrying about how you continue your day and who hurts you and what i can do to protect you. But when i finally give advice and you set it aside if its life altering or not, you should take it into consideration not throw it away like dirt. I hate alot of aspects in myself and i dont know why, but when someone i know as a great friend is in pain and breaking down and i have nothing, no strength to protect, no sudden words of brilliance..i want to end it..all of it, i want to throw away everything else dear to me and stop the pain. I wish alot of things never happened just so i wont have to stand up and be brave, i just want to make certain things disappear. Ive never felt that spouting ones soul to others is something helpful, i keep my problems to myself and hope one day ill solve the problem myself without someone elses help. I fear weakness in myself and i dont ask for help when i need to ask. I want to leave this world, but im scared of what awaits me in the afterlife. Whether its heaven or hell, darkness or light, paradise or nothingness. Im scared i cant survive this already crumbling hateful world, but im more scared of leaving and i cant enjoy the things i hope for. Im tired of the orders im told and tired of following them because im scared of the consequence to not doing them. I hate tears on others because they make me cry, when i cry my soul becomes empty and ready for new pain to enter, when new pain enters...i want to die. Everyone gives good points on why it is better to be alive and be happy to live, i agree with the many reasons. But i hate going thru an endless cycle of trials and pains when in the end i get no recognition and no gratitude for it. I just one of many, and im not strong...so i dont believe i have much time on in this world.
Please someone grant me a better life.

Im back, but not for long

I am currently in my 3rd week of school as a Junior!! YAY! But all the cheers has gone away as i have a chemistry,Sociology and AP US History test tommarow. So much work to be done, and i just finished a chemistry packet online and turned it in too. I know it doesnt seem like alot of work but im not used to it cause i spent my first 2yrs playing around, now its serious time and math is everywhere. I HATE MATH SO MUCH! >_<
Aside from that ive made some new friends in my new year, they are pretty intresting people but i most likely wont be close friends with them. My friend,Naomi,finally dumped her douche bag boyfriend(carl) made her cry twice since he been there,and he is way clingly tho she told him they were thru twice. With that we have activated "Operation Yen(asian)" and the plan came to a halt due to a guy friend of ours(Domo) alerted us on how the target isnt known for dating black girls ,is stand-offish and how another friend (white) of ours has been trying to date him for awhile now. Its become apperent that we need to give up on that operation but naomi insists she can change his mind with scientific reasoning(maybe?) but she has also finally came to the result that Domo could be a wonderful boyfriend and the one to go after if he is still interested. After all they do have the same future aspect of being this assassin-yakuza-ninja family, that is rich and lives in Japan with prodigy kids. They seem like a great couple to me, so if i can do some convincing they can be together with no problem. As for how the rest of this year is going, hopefully it wont be a crazy one cause dear carl is at the school now and he pisses me off with every word, cheesy line and smile he makes. And naomi wont let me kill him.

Wish me luck

Olympics/Reset

Ive been enjoying watching the olympics this year they have brought out a side of me that hasnt been out since childhood..a very patriotic side. aside from how things were going in swimming last night the mens gymnastics were surprising too..japan knocked great britan to bronze and another country i think it was finland or somewhere like that..it escaped me but i was dreming in hetalia when i saw it. China got gold, and they were really good..um in swimming USA couldve got gold but i believe it was micheal phelps that handded it to france. when that happned my grandma said he let it happen cause he was quote "poke poke poking him" me and my mom just looked at eachother and began laughing like crazy. Aside from that my computer messed up after installing my Norton protection stuff and my grandma reset it to factory condition to bring it back...i cryed at how all my documents, presentations, manga, anime, pictures and sites were all gone. I hate that it happened not once but twice..first when i first got this laptop then yesturday..i feel like it doesnt like me for all the crazy anime and stuff i put on it..But itll have to deal cause i need to get all the music i lost back onto another real player....now that i think about it alot of the videos i put on my realplayeer were from youtube and alot of them are now deleted due to some copyright and users deleting accounts...*tears up* i think imma sit in a corner for a while and cry about this.