..thoughts

this morning i awake tired due to waking at 12 and falling asleep right when my alarm goes off. when i nap for a few more moments i awake to my mother. Minutes later i get up to prepare for school and after standing in my bathroom confused on why havent i killed myself yet, i realize it is due to fear. the lies i tell and the false impressions i leave on people as if i care of their issues. the people who complain to me everyday the same people who wont stop who act as tho their problems are larger than others or that it is something that they cant control when they have the resources to stop it. i believe those people that person in general is weak and is looking for attention. I havent told anyone my small issues because i can control them, because i will remain strong. To want to tell someone im going to kill myself and care of that is ridiculous. Obviously i conform to the way things are is due to staying alive and surviving. In my life i learn and do as told, i follow what is needed to be done because i need order, it is what seems mandatory. To be loud and obnoxious and disrespectful seems to be the things that i hate yet people who hold these traits flock to me, just because i may allow one small outburst at a certain time, or im in the same area as that person and they feel that im someone that may help them when im not. I hate how things are, but a friend of mine told me yesturday that he sees 3 different risa's in the day. the silent/thinking/emo risa in the morning, the random man-fun risa in the afternoon, and the innocent girl risa on our skype talks. I dont know who the REAL Risa is, but if anything i think she died long ago. The latest news on tv now is of a shooting in an elementary school, i dont really care for pandemics i might get worried or concerned abit , but after awhile i dont want to hear more of it. So if you dont like how it sounds, well i guess i just dont care what people think anymore.