-/_\-

Over the thanksgiving break i had several assignments from 2 classes. Thank goodness that my chemistry teacher is nice, he gave us till tomorrow to turn in 2 out of 6 mid-term review papers. Though my AP English teacher is giving us no leeway and says we needed to turn in a reading journal of Kate Chopin's short stories and a personal narrative. I was able to finish 2 out of 3 stories last night i was so tired i couldnt stand it. Now that i turned in the paper and am home, i feel sad and frustrated cause everyday we have her class she constantly snaps at us or complains about how we have to hurry cause school programs are interfering with her lesson. Its like every time i have her class i feel depressed as to how i cant handle her and if i have a professor like her in college i might just hide. *sigh* also over the break i guess i touched some leaves of some sort(doubt it tho) and now i have some bumps on my elbow that itch like crazy, and there is nothing on the back of my leg but its turned red from me scratching it too much. Even now my arm is hurting from how im scratching it, but anti-itch cream only stops it for awhile.
As for now i feel tired and like im being weighed down by a ton of bricks. Im not as happy as i was during 2nd period and im just daydreaming and listening to Behind blue eyes by limp bizkit and the one that got away by katy perry. soon imma get back to my normal ,smiling ,yaoi-enjoying, and singing quietly self but till then im goin to sit in this unreasonable sorrow watchin yaoi moments :3

Meh/Holidays/Black Ops II

Over the past few weeks ive been unsure of some stuff. Ive been re-evaluating my friendships with some guy friends of mine and im not sure if its admiration or actual feelings for some of them. But since im the quiet type ill remain as such and not say anything. Sadly thats what i feel will keep me from having anymore awkward relationships with guy friends. Yesterday my mom, my sis, my dog and me all went out to petsmart and joanns. We spent most of the day in Joanns getting things for my sis to sew with cause now she has found a "thing." So i spent the afternoon trying to figure out what hobby or talent i have cause i cant think of anything that im special at. Also since its almost Thanksgiving, my aunt and cousin are coming over on Wednesday. Hopefully we have alot of fun and i dont get sucked into shopping this time.

BLACK OPS II IS OUT AND I WANT IT SO BAD, BUT I HAVE NO MONEY SO I CANT GET IT!!!!! I NEED A JOB TO SUPPLY MY GAMING NEEDS!

Classes,songs & today

So yesterday i had my mom come with me to the parent teacher conference and im passing all my classes except my AP English. I enjoy being a big fish in a small pond, but my mom says im smart and should break out my shell and how  i gotta atleast try to pass the class. Song related i have been listening to cute songs and hanging with my friend Misha and she made a video of her and her bf and its so cute cause her art is adorable. I told her how her feelings are adorable and stuff. Yet after awhile i started to listen to some cute music again and i suddenly felt down, like i started to feel sad that im single again and i have yet to find a guy who likes me. I dont really care bout finding one now, but i worry that i wont find one ever. Having guy friends sorta lowers my ability on telling guys my feelings cause i hate seeming girly or anything. But when a friend of mine started flat ironing her hair in class at 4th period today she did my hair and a guy friend of hers was like "Now see, if you just keep your hair out that nasty ponytail you'd be good." and the convo went on about how me fixing my looks would help. Yet the thing with me getting all dressed up and looking nice makes me feel like im trying to stand out so id rather not. And my guy friends would be all surprised and crack jokes bout how i should always dress that way. No thanks, i think ill just stay in my shell awhile longer.

Halloween fun/ptc

So tommarow is halloween my favorite holida of the month and im so happy! Im goin to the hanted trail with my mom but before that i gotta have her come to the parent teacher conference. I gotta get her to talk to my teachers for AP class about how things goin, to hopefully get me out the class. Aside from that its boredom.

October activities

So ive been doing good so far in school, i stopped freakin over my classes. I even went to the school counselor and took a PSAT/ACT. I am also almost done with my drivers ed class. Now that everything is up-to-date. It is October and in my house it is Birthday Month. there is a total of 4 birthdays in my household, and the 4th(mine) will be coming up on Friday. I will be 17 and one step closer to being an adult and struggling to live on my own. Not only that but there has been 4 other friends bdays this month, 1 i bought more cake for and the other 2 will be the day before mine and the last one on my bday. There is nothing but cakes in my fridge but i hope to got to the zombie walk goin on my day but itll be late and my mom might not let me go. Also i hope to got to the haunted trail if i cant go to the zombie walk. Things goin well and i cant wait till i get my update on my phone. Hopefully i write again on the 26th, if not then in November.

Earlier this week i was feelin crappy and down

"make it stop" is what i called this little spill and posted it on facebook..luckly ppl i have on there dont read the stuff i post so they dont know the almost sucidal moment i had

If you have told me about a sad moment in your life or had me as someone to talk to when you felt you couldnt tell anyone else, then ill forever hold your secret words. But i wont take anymore of them, my mind is full and my soul is in pain. Worrying about how you continue your day and who hurts you and what i can do to protect you. But when i finally give advice and you set it aside if its life altering or not, you should take it into consideration not throw it away like dirt. I hate alot of aspects in myself and i dont know why, but when someone i know as a great friend is in pain and breaking down and i have nothing, no strength to protect, no sudden words of brilliance..i want to end it..all of it, i want to throw away everything else dear to me and stop the pain. I wish alot of things never happened just so i wont have to stand up and be brave, i just want to make certain things disappear. Ive never felt that spouting ones soul to others is something helpful, i keep my problems to myself and hope one day ill solve the problem myself without someone elses help. I fear weakness in myself and i dont ask for help when i need to ask. I want to leave this world, but im scared of what awaits me in the afterlife. Whether its heaven or hell, darkness or light, paradise or nothingness. Im scared i cant survive this already crumbling hateful world, but im more scared of leaving and i cant enjoy the things i hope for. Im tired of the orders im told and tired of following them because im scared of the consequence to not doing them. I hate tears on others because they make me cry, when i cry my soul becomes empty and ready for new pain to enter, when new pain enters...i want to die. Everyone gives good points on why it is better to be alive and be happy to live, i agree with the many reasons. But i hate going thru an endless cycle of trials and pains when in the end i get no recognition and no gratitude for it. I just one of many, and im not strong...so i dont believe i have much time on in this world.
Please someone grant me a better life.

Im back, but not for long

I am currently in my 3rd week of school as a Junior!! YAY! But all the cheers has gone away as i have a chemistry,Sociology and AP US History test tommarow. So much work to be done, and i just finished a chemistry packet online and turned it in too. I know it doesnt seem like alot of work but im not used to it cause i spent my first 2yrs playing around, now its serious time and math is everywhere. I HATE MATH SO MUCH! >_<
Aside from that ive made some new friends in my new year, they are pretty intresting people but i most likely wont be close friends with them. My friend,Naomi,finally dumped her douche bag boyfriend(carl) made her cry twice since he been there,and he is way clingly tho she told him they were thru twice. With that we have activated "Operation Yen(asian)" and the plan came to a halt due to a guy friend of ours(Domo) alerted us on how the target isnt known for dating black girls ,is stand-offish and how another friend (white) of ours has been trying to date him for awhile now. Its become apperent that we need to give up on that operation but naomi insists she can change his mind with scientific reasoning(maybe?) but she has also finally came to the result that Domo could be a wonderful boyfriend and the one to go after if he is still interested. After all they do have the same future aspect of being this assassin-yakuza-ninja family, that is rich and lives in Japan with prodigy kids. They seem like a great couple to me, so if i can do some convincing they can be together with no problem. As for how the rest of this year is going, hopefully it wont be a crazy one cause dear carl is at the school now and he pisses me off with every word, cheesy line and smile he makes. And naomi wont let me kill him.

Wish me luck

Olympics/Reset

Ive been enjoying watching the olympics this year they have brought out a side of me that hasnt been out since childhood..a very patriotic side. aside from how things were going in swimming last night the mens gymnastics were surprising too..japan knocked great britan to bronze and another country i think it was finland or somewhere like that..it escaped me but i was dreming in hetalia when i saw it. China got gold, and they were really good..um in swimming USA couldve got gold but i believe it was micheal phelps that handded it to france. when that happned my grandma said he let it happen cause he was quote "poke poke poking him" me and my mom just looked at eachother and began laughing like crazy. Aside from that my computer messed up after installing my Norton protection stuff and my grandma reset it to factory condition to bring it back...i cryed at how all my documents, presentations, manga, anime, pictures and sites were all gone. I hate that it happened not once but twice..first when i first got this laptop then yesturday..i feel like it doesnt like me for all the crazy anime and stuff i put on it..But itll have to deal cause i need to get all the music i lost back onto another real player....now that i think about it alot of the videos i put on my realplayeer were from youtube and alot of them are now deleted due to some copyright and users deleting accounts...*tears up* i think imma sit in a corner for a while and cry about this.

Sleep/Doctors

   We got home yesterday(Tuesday) by bus cause my grandma couldnt drive over the bridge again..she has a fear that finally sorta got to her. It made me cry to see her in such a state. Aside from that there were some interesting characters on the bus..some girls who looked like they were back up dancers on a trip to georgia, a old guy who acted as if he was ADHD on coffee, and some dudes who were just as hyped and talked like surfers. the one that topped the cake was this girl who was annoying she she sat in front of me with her laptop on her nicki minaj looking twitter and was video chatting with some guy, woke me up,and i was pissed. She was even looking up tattoos that nicki minaj had and it made me think wow this girl is a sheep. Aside from that the trip was sorta nice, when we went thru Georgia we saw lots of huge beautiful churches..tho im not a church person i enjoy how they looked. When we got home i was so pumped to be back..then i remembered i had a physical in the morning.
   So Today(Wednesday) when i went to the physical i got my eyes checked and it showed that i could not even read the 4th line..reading and computer time might have to be lowered. *sad face* But aside from that i had to get some vaccine to prevent some stuff and since ive been all anemic for the past year or so i had to get some more blood work done and since the noob doctor as i shall forever put it couldnt find the vein in my arms so she stuck the needle in my hand.....yeh my hand! It hurt like a bitch, and then some other doctor comes over and butts in and starts movin the needle around in my hand, i lost feeling. After he got blood from me he said "sorry for that hope it didnt hurt" i just wanted to punch him in the face for such a stupid remark. Then he wrapped my hand funny and it looked very unprofessional..after that me and my mom went around to Verizon to set up her phone then the mall for a case in case she drops it..then when we were gonna get lunch and enjoy some mother daughter time and window shop till she ready to walk around and shop we get called back home cause the alarm on her shop goes off..But we got some food checked out the store and went home, after all that i ate and passed out.was asleep for 5 hours and nobody woke me for dinner time...Still I figure that since i still got a month till school start and everything imma sleep the day away and have my little 1 person music parties in my room..

Agression

yesterday my cousin and aunt brought me back to my great grans house so that me my gran and my sis could head beck to NC on monday..but my gran told me she wanna go back tuesday. So not only do i have to deal with the irritation that comes with my young cousin maraiah, i have to deal with my other people appearing in and out the house and talking all day and leaving me with no place alone with my computer. Sooo i cant catch up on my manga,which has grown to an unusual amount, i cant use tumblr as freely as i usually do. I cant message ppl on weird topics and enjoy music without them lookin over me asking bout what it is. and since my sis wanna act a fool too im abit upset, but my friends asshole bf just started some shit with me after i unfriended him and appeared outta nowhere fuckin with me, now my friends tryin to calm me down. i still am tryin to cool down so im done ranting now.

Change in plans

My cousin had me marching a bit to understand how to march and how to prepare for it. we only..i only marched for a few minutes and i realized that giving others satisfaction isnt as important as satisfying my wants and needs. The pain in my legs and wobbly walk ill have for the day will keep me set on the truth that trying to please others isnt how i should do things, its about what i want to do with my own life and not something that pleases others. Im not going to do something for an  entire school year just so i can travel, i can do that when im older. im not going to deal with it cause i think it'll help someway in the future or it'll look good on a transcript for college or some mess my mom likes to say too make it look worth anything. Yet i find that my choices for my next year is rotc, and art as electives so imma change rotc probably, cause i want a lax year rather than one filled with constant stress or sore pains in the afternoon..I will now focus on my academics rather than such sports or traditions. Ill continue my uninteresting high school life, with the only sport played is bowling and studying.. and due to the fact that i have a blog my cuz is staring very scornfully at me...so yeh

Damn boys

I got on facebook last night talkin with james about how he needed to keep track of his tumblr info and how he was lazy and shit. Then i got a message from another friend, bhoke..that  bastard sent me a link where u click it and it has some face and it flashes and shit.. PISSED ME OFF!! i wasnt scare but it surprised me abit; then this morning the dude who i went on a date with, he sent one to me and i told him to rot...i posted how i was pissed and i wanted them to go to hell. But most importantly i want my revenge, u see im a very vengeful person. i remember evey mean thing and word anyone ever says to me, any random act of hate i remember so that when im older i can kill them or hurt them in some way to warn them to never do it again..Im tired of ppl fucking with me, even if they were playin around, it still irritated me and i wont tolerate it

MMORPG's....and....0/_\0

got back last night from my great grandmas house and we dealt with a few viewings of my least fav bug in the world..arachnid type...*shivers at though* Aside from that disgusting topic, today i had the displeasure of watching games of thrones i guess its called...Its good in all but i dont feel comfortable about the random sex and nudity...strange to say that even tho im a fujoshi and all that. But its just not something i can watch without laughing or feeling uncomfortable. Also my friend james introduced me into an mmorpg called Shaiya, first one ever!! Ive learned alot about how to play and learned it fast for my first as he says, ive only been in two areas but im still learning so i wont go elsewhere yet. Im playing as a priestess, i believe im a lvl 4 now.. but im having fun and plan on playing alot during this summer. Tho im not sure if ill play when school starts cause senior year is comin and i dont wanna fuck up.

Montgomery to Bessemer

Today me, my cousin and aunt woke up to head off to Bessemer to hang out with my great grandma and everyone. I still have a week and a few days till i have to head back to NC, my mom called today to tel me that my trumpet will be fixed and ready by tomorrow. I also got my hair done a few days ago in a braided style, i havent had it done in braids since i was a kid. While im at my great grans, my grandma and aunts are having a class reunion and the house is packed. Since tomorrow is Sunday my great gran is inviting a bunch of people over for some dinner, and im just gonna shut myself to my computer till they are all gone. Lastly the best thing of tonight is that its SATURDAY!!! I have napped all day so staying up to watch Deadman Wonderland and Casshern:sins will be no problem. Im so happy cause toonami is the best and only exciting thing of the week.

Days with Family

Im spending the time in Alabama with my aunt Wanda and cousin Erica, and when im with them my schedule is way different then it normally is. I wake up early, spend the day exploring the town, and sleep early..early as in 10-11; i usually go to sleep at like 3-4 a.m.Tho today we went to the vet for their dog and got some McDonald's for breakfeast, stayed at a lowes/home depot type place then came home, and i looked..it was only 11 in the morning. I was surprised and felt the need for internet time to spend the day away, cause since i been here i havent spent excessive time online to myself or wandered thru youtube like i normally do. I almost feel sad for not listening to as much music as i normally do, or catching up on anime that i havent even finished or started. Yet when i get the chances to, i dont..i dont know why either. Maybe im actually trying to enjoy the time i got with my family this summer.

Alabama/Band

I decided to head off to Alabama with my grandma and my sis cause i got nothin else to do and i miss my cousin. The trip was crazy, cause i slept most the time and still felt tired. but after i got to my aunts place i didnt wast to sleep i wanted to get on the internet. Then this morning my aunt and granma were talkin bout  a family reunion and somethin goin on in the country so i might be goin back to NC on the bus. Im fine with it cause i knew it was gonna happen, but i gotta be ready to stay up the whole ride and not miss my stop unless my granma gets me a one-way. I wouldnt mind cause on long trips i dont stop to go to the bathroom cause it wastes time. Aside from that imma be stayin till the 23rd or somethin cause im goin to try band camp, and if i enjoy it i might go for marching liike everyone thinks i have the potential to do. I also gotta make sure my mom gets my trumpet fixed before i get back cause if not its pointless to play it.

Bugs

My sister keeps playing outside with our dog and rolling on the grass, then askin to play the xbox in my room. I let her and then when its time for bed i see a small bug crawling on my sheets. I have banned her from setting foot in here after playing outside, she is just so filthy since summer break started. Also while i was doin dishes today i saw a bunch of ants all on the window and up the walls..the kitchen is my safe haven in crisis! WTF IS ANTS DOIN IN THERE?! I used to love bugs and eat dirt but i hate bugs being around me sooooo much, even when im typing this i itch just thinkin bout it. *sigh* tomorrow im spraying the entrances so they cant get it.

Have not written in a while

Starting off, i had fun watchin fireworks yesterday it was very fun. I am finally listening to a lovely entertaining group called "Steam powered giraffe", ive seen them all over my dash on tumblr so i decided to see what all the fuss was about. Strangely enough i dont follow fad that happen around me but the fad in other places or of friends online. Tumblr had provided alot of music anime manga and games that i woudnt have found myself. Im also enjoying my summer abit more, i talked with alot of ppl that i havent in a while. And im also trying to figure out wth my bf is doing, first his mom wants to put him in another school now shes tryin to put him in another state. I dont mind what she does i just want to figure out if we gonna break up or have some long distance relationship that wont last, cause my last long distance relationship ended in him cheating and me acting like it was nothing. But whatever; this Steam Powered Giraffe is wonderful, Honeybee is my fave song so far and i cant stop listening to it.

INTERNET!!!

Finally able to get back on, while my uncle was here id get bits of internet and none if he used his phone. But now he has gone,internet is back, and so is boredom when my mom tells me to get sunlight. But imma enjoy the time i have and try to make this summer fun. sorry too lazy to write anything else alot of youtube and tumblr to catch up on

Date

Today i went to the movies with my bf, he was the usual perv e always is. Yet since the Dictator wasn't there, we watched the avengers.The movie was good, but when things weren't "actiony" he started begging for a kiss and shiz. I would've kissed him..i wanted to,but i felt that if i did id be doing something wrong and i haven't kissed anyone in a while so...yeh. When we came close, i started seeing pages of shoujo manga that i read like, "kyou, koi wo hajimemasu", the scenes from the beginning when the couple meet and stard dating. I was embarrassed(i felt like tsubaki-chan)especially when he kept sayin i sound or i look cute and stuff. But after awhile my face was hot and blushy so i did what i do in panic, burp. He moved out my face and we sat and watched the movie like critics.. and after we waited for my uncle to pick me up. I wasn't sure if i saw his truck or not, so i didn't say anything about hiding or playin it off..and my uncle asked about if it was a date and i made my caught lying face. He said it was ok, that im gettin that age and asked what he was like. Then he said he wouldn't tell my mom, thank goodness, cause she would freak if she knew. So all in all, this day was the most heart-throbbing and funny date(only date) ive ever had...and im happy i went, i hope we can go on another. ^/_\^