Earlier this week i was feelin crappy and down

"make it stop" is what i called this little spill and posted it on facebook..luckly ppl i have on there dont read the stuff i post so they dont know the almost sucidal moment i had

If you have told me about a sad moment in your life or had me as someone to talk to when you felt you couldnt tell anyone else, then ill forever hold your secret words. But i wont take anymore of them, my mind is full and my soul is in pain. Worrying about how you continue your day and who hurts you and what i can do to protect you. But when i finally give advice and you set it aside if its life altering or not, you should take it into consideration not throw it away like dirt. I hate alot of aspects in myself and i dont know why, but when someone i know as a great friend is in pain and breaking down and i have nothing, no strength to protect, no sudden words of brilliance..i want to end it..all of it, i want to throw away everything else dear to me and stop the pain. I wish alot of things never happened just so i wont have to stand up and be brave, i just want to make certain things disappear. Ive never felt that spouting ones soul to others is something helpful, i keep my problems to myself and hope one day ill solve the problem myself without someone elses help. I fear weakness in myself and i dont ask for help when i need to ask. I want to leave this world, but im scared of what awaits me in the afterlife. Whether its heaven or hell, darkness or light, paradise or nothingness. Im scared i cant survive this already crumbling hateful world, but im more scared of leaving and i cant enjoy the things i hope for. Im tired of the orders im told and tired of following them because im scared of the consequence to not doing them. I hate tears on others because they make me cry, when i cry my soul becomes empty and ready for new pain to enter, when new pain enters...i want to die. Everyone gives good points on why it is better to be alive and be happy to live, i agree with the many reasons. But i hate going thru an endless cycle of trials and pains when in the end i get no recognition and no gratitude for it. I just one of many, and im not strong...so i dont believe i have much time on in this world.
Please someone grant me a better life.

Im back, but not for long

I am currently in my 3rd week of school as a Junior!! YAY! But all the cheers has gone away as i have a chemistry,Sociology and AP US History test tommarow. So much work to be done, and i just finished a chemistry packet online and turned it in too. I know it doesnt seem like alot of work but im not used to it cause i spent my first 2yrs playing around, now its serious time and math is everywhere. I HATE MATH SO MUCH! >_<
Aside from that ive made some new friends in my new year, they are pretty intresting people but i most likely wont be close friends with them. My friend,Naomi,finally dumped her douche bag boyfriend(carl) made her cry twice since he been there,and he is way clingly tho she told him they were thru twice. With that we have activated "Operation Yen(asian)" and the plan came to a halt due to a guy friend of ours(Domo) alerted us on how the target isnt known for dating black girls ,is stand-offish and how another friend (white) of ours has been trying to date him for awhile now. Its become apperent that we need to give up on that operation but naomi insists she can change his mind with scientific reasoning(maybe?) but she has also finally came to the result that Domo could be a wonderful boyfriend and the one to go after if he is still interested. After all they do have the same future aspect of being this assassin-yakuza-ninja family, that is rich and lives in Japan with prodigy kids. They seem like a great couple to me, so if i can do some convincing they can be together with no problem. As for how the rest of this year is going, hopefully it wont be a crazy one cause dear carl is at the school now and he pisses me off with every word, cheesy line and smile he makes. And naomi wont let me kill him.

Wish me luck