It's been awhile!!

Whats been going on and whats really going on

(sorry if i get too heated and don't make sense)

I missed posting on here honestly and a diary is simple but with my bad memory i forgot where i put the thing. I'm really on here now as a stress relief. "why?" you might be asking, well my "bf, husband, lover" (we gonna call him T) whatever is causing it. This year I've struggled with life and death for the second time in my life as i struggle to figure out if i even have a chance in a future. Its really  stressful since I don't believe i'm good at anything but geeky trivia and i don't think ill be on that "king of the nerds" show anytime soon.
My situation began with- Not knowing how i would survive financially as well as provide for kids if i decided if i wanted any, and what i really wanted to do with my life if i really decided my quality of life would be better if i finally got my sex change.

All of these thoughts pummeled on me as well as "T" messing with me about our future together and how he will handle everything and so and so forth basic "you stay home and watch kids i'm breadwinner shit." I, at times, am fine with that life but at other times I'm all "i can work too" cause I've decided i'm just a crazy bipolar bitch. These racing thoughts on top of the side of me that wants to be a guy is literally stressful. I am too nice and concerned for others that I change my judgement and even put myself last to please them to the fullest first.
My situation going on- I broke up with him and cried all day instead of enjoying my time to better figure myself out and got back with him.... like i was pissed with myself the next morning! I broke up with him and got back with him in 5 hours!! WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!?! I spent time looking at pics of us and thought i was in the wrong. *sigh continuing on. Now i don't message him at all and am distant and slightly rude to get him to dump me, cause id rather be dumped than be the one who did the deciding, and he continues to either guilt trip me about "us" or say that he knows me.... IDONTEVENKNOWME!!! and i try to not sound pissed when i text him these things and hints that i want to be left be, but he takes it personal and i get more mad about it cause its not about you this time cause I don't even live i the same city and you work so why should it matter how i feel? Go be busy, but no, "T" stresses out and is basically making himself sick over me. I have ever felt love till I was with him but I cant follow my heart on how happy I am with him if he cant let me be when I'm depressed. I may have let you help when we was in college together but that was cause you wouldn't let it go and you got sick cause of me....

I really can't take this situation, and there's even more that I cant say cause this is too stressful, all I can say for sure is that "T" is stressing me out and for my survival I have to choose soon. Military or him and i might just go with what will get me more money, because I need to survive. Sides he said he wasn't about the military life and that he would leave if i came back a man. lol I might as well go... too crazy to get love anyway especially when he was basically first everything, I never got to enjoy the fun of being single and not afraid to have "fun" sooo I need to be along ,Not to be a Hoe but to be a basic girl in 2016.

Once again sorry if things got confusing but i needed it off my chest and I hope things go back to simple like they were in sophomore year of high school and Anime was my only lover, bf, husband and stressed me out only cause I'd be behind on the new seasonal anime.

New Semester

I have finally moved back into my dorm on campus for the spring semester and I should have waited a bit to do so because nobody was here to hang with. I brought no food except oatmeal, I used up all my money so i cant get food from the vending machines. I'm just screwed. Thankfully today, a couple of my friends and my love is coming back as well.

My classes ,on the other hand, start Monday and I have an 8.m. Math class which is insane for me to have. Though I do have a lot of space in my schedule to relax and be social but I feel like i could use some more classes so I can be a "true sophomore" or at least hurry up and graduate. School is so complicated when there is a new term begins and you don't have good management of your life. *sigh* I hope this year goes well, cause i would love for my GPA to be higher and I know my bf's GPA need to be a 4.0 or there is gonna be hella trouble and no fun over the summer. If that happens then I'll just go to Japan for the summer and forget my life for awhile.

IT'S 2015!!!

Let me start by saying, HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!! I hope this year you have planned many new activities. experiences as well as grow as you progress in this year. I'm not saying try something illegal but have fun and enjoy your time with loved ones! Basically, FUCK THE HATERS CAUSE NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!

This year I start off with someone very special to me, he isn't here next to me like a lot of people when the ball dropped making the new year official. Yet we did message each other and cant wait to meet back at school on the 5th. Lol that's when I will get my New Years Kiss. 

I didn't make a list or a goal this year because I cant keep them like most people, for instance the most common resolution: to lose weight. Though in 2014 the resolution was to not play Animal crossing because of a dare. I plan to just live my life and make my life more fulfilled with the ones I love and who care about me as well. This will be my year to truly begin making something wonderful out of myself and head towards a bright future that's filled with promise due to the hard work I have put forth this year. And I will keep that plan because I filled my class schedule....It will be torture if my professors make unnecessary work, but it will get done!

I hope for great wonder for everyone this year!

I love and cherish you all!

<3

It's been while (UPDATES) / I'll start blogging again?

First off let me wish everyone a  

MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!! 

It sucks to get older and have others look at you strangely because you want to enjoy the Christmas spirit and Rise of the Guardians. Adults look at you as though you don't need presents cause you older and even opening presents early seems lame now. Its been awhile since I've been on Blogger and truthfully I have been ogling the logo as I get onto Chrome. Yet I never felt as though what's going on in my life felt important to share. However, I have done a lot since the last time I was on here. 

1-I have graduated from high school!!! 2-I have entered my local university since it has my major and was good for me financial, cause I'm lazy and didn't fill out many scholarship forms. And 3-I feel as though I found the perfect guy since I have been in college, ironic since I meant to not have any relationships in college cause they destroy my focus on schoolwork. I may not be far from home, but I feel like a bird out of its cage. Finally released from the cage and slowly gaining more than textbook knowledge. With him, I've ran around campus till 5 a.m like a child even though I have 9 a.m classes; skipped class for the first time in my life and even failed a class. He seems like a bad influence but he is more amazing than anyone I've ever meet. He's a big teddy bear who freaked out when Naruto ended and makes me feel like Mia in princess diaries. My mom and nana are kinda skeptical about him but they'd hate him if they knew about my grades. XD Well aside from that, I have a week or two until the spring semester begins. Hope things go well! 

Lets see if I get time again to write! 

Fingers crossed!!

Dating is difficult / Time left

So i am now in relationship with a guy in my graduating class now, but its terrible cause in previous relationships i just chill and dont do much talking either. But now when i see him in the hall or hang out with him hes all like "Thats it?" or "I dont get a hi or a hug?" So I dont kno what to say mostly. Texting is another thing cause i will text for hours but i can form a simple sentence or conversation.

Also the next few months are going to be devastating if i can get my work together, i have to do a research paper and a presidential profile before the end of this school year. Which was brought to my attention to being 40-something days. I cant believe it either, I have to work extra hard to finish all the assignments for AP English as well to just barely pass the class.

Valentines Day

 The past few weeks i havent been able to type since my computer was being weird and i couldnt see the screen. And i have been without it i was only youtubing and tumblring from my Droid.
Also since today is valentines day and since i have no valentines im just gonna spend the rest of the day playing just dance 4 and eating ice cream XD. Im also gonna buy some games and stuff since i gots nothing better to do.

Febuary Sucks

This week sucks cause i got a paper to write and a girl in my class volunteered to be my peer editing partner and she gets really bitchy when i dont do the work so it makes me wonder why she does that when she knows im not as smart as every exaggerates. Also going thru this month before was easy but now all my friends got relationships and are rubbing it in my face..it sucks.Valentines Day will come up and ive lost my mega sweet, not like it fell out but i cant stand super sweet things anymore, but ill be damned if itll stop me from gorging on chocolates and ice cream. I usually get a box of chocolate and a rose from my grandfather and a hug from all my friends. This year feels like im gonna spend the day complaining bitterly with my grandma and goin out to get 2 tubs of sherbert and watchin disney movies. Sad how my life has messed me up so much. Not only has things been messed up while trying to get aa friend of mine to set me up with his friend i find out that he isnt single, and my friend figures that the boys brother is good enough...i wanted to hit him in the head. Though at this point i feel like i should stop trying, cause its pointless now and ill just make myself upset.
On another point i went to a Japanese language meeting at B&N Saturday.When we first got there we walked right past the group in the cafe and wandered to the manga and then to customer service. Due to how i get shy around new people i was speaking super quiet and nervous. And one dude there thought my sister was my daughter and i was like whoa, no. But It was fun,and i hope to increase my learning. As the meeting was ending the guys there felt as though i was familiar in some way or went to their school but they were all college students and stuff. (Hehe im mature lookin XD)Then my mom was really upset cause when it was time to pick us up she called and my phone was on vibrate and she got really upset due to a mall cop comin over sayin that she was in the way. But since we goin to the meeting again in 2weeks ill have everything thought out better.
Anywho, i hope the month goes by fast.